How To Get Your Spouse on the Same Financial Page

Are you wondering how to get your spouse on the same financial page, when it comes to dealing with your money?  Are you desperately wanting to get out of debt and your sweety doesn’t want to have any part of the finances, other than knowing how much fun money they can have each payday?  Well, if it makes you feel any better, you’re not alone.

I listen to the Dave Ramsey show…a lot…like every day.  One of the most common questions he gets is “How do I get my spouse on board (or on the same page) regarding our finances”?  Apparently, this is an issue with many couples, these days.

Statistics show that money fights and money problems are the most common reason for divorce in North America, today.  Why is that?  Well, unfortunately, money plays such a huge roll in our lives.  Having plenty certainly doesn’t solve all your problems, but having too little can cause so much tension that sometimes even the best marriages buckle under the pressure.

*This post may contain affiliate links, which means that if you buy a suggested product, I will earn a small commission, at no extra cost to you.  For more information, see my disclosure page.

and now you are one…

When you get married, you become a team.  The pastor says “and now you become one”.  When you are married, you combine your lives and this includes your finances.  Of course, the best time to talk about finances would be before you get married.  But, this is not always the reality of many relationships.  You’re never going to get someone to agree with you 100% on money, but it is a good idea to know your future spouse’s ideas and opinions regarding money.

If you’re already married, it’s not too late to get on the same page with your wife or husband about this issue.  I’ve been married over three decades and while my husband and I have agreed on money and finances most of these years, early in our marriage, we had some rocky times.  I blame most of our disagreements on just being young and naive.  When we both started paying attention to our finances, I have to say, relationally, life got to be much better.  I’m not an expert on marriage, by any means.  All I can tell you is what has worked for us and what I’ve learned about marriage and money along the way.

What I will lay out for you are some steps you can take to get your spouse/significant other on board, some mistakes to avoid and reasons to work together.

*This post may contain affiliate links, which means that if you buy a suggested product, I will earn a small commission, at no extra cost to you.  For more information, see my disclosure page.

 

Steps On How To Get Your Spouse on the Same Financial Page

Honesty

I put honesty first, for a reason.  If you’re ever going to work together with your finances, the first thing you have to do is open up and be transparent about your money situation.  For some, this might be the hardest thing to do.  Financial infidelity can be as damaging to a relationship as sexual infidelity.  If you’re hiding secrets, this will wreck you emotionally.  You’re causing yourself to carry a burden of guilt and you’re jeopardizing the trust that your partner may have in you.  Most of the time, the fear of how they will react to a situation is far worse than the actual reaction.

So, start your conversation with brutal honesty.  Only then, can you both come together on how to deal with any situation that may be thrown your way.

Combine Your Finances

From the beginning of our marriage, we always have had combined finances.  This is how both sets of our parents did it and it never occurred to me, that any one else did it differently.

Over the years though, I have seen many couples keep their finances separately, for many different reasons.  Some couples were older when they married, some came from bad previous marriages where the other spouse had screwed up with finances and they had trust issues, etc.

What ever the reasons, while splitting bills and finances may work for a few, it doesn’t work for the majority.  If you can’t combine finances, how do you combine your lives.  When you get married, I hate to be the one to tell you, you’re NOT independent.  You can’t just do your own thing anymore.  There’s someone else to consider.  If you want to get ahead together, then combine them so you can work together for common goals and dreams.  You must do things together or your marriage simply will not work.

Do a Budget Together

When you sit down to do a budget together, the first thing you need to do is to determine your needs, both individually and for your household.  This give you both the opportunity to talk about your financial needs and it give both partners a say so with the money.  Both of you need to know what the financial picture looks like.

There’s nothing more frustrating than for one person to set up the budget (alone) and within a few days, have the other blow it, because they had no idea what the budget looked like in the first place.  This causes fights, resentments and hard feelings.  It shouldn’t be up to just one person to do all of the work.  It’s simply not fair or smart.  You both need to play a role in your finances.  When you do this task together, it reduces conflict, creates built in accountability and most importantly it allows both of you to create a focus for future goals, like getting out of debt and saving for the future.

Once you do your budget and are in agreement, treat it like a contract.  This is so important.  Remember when I said that once you are married, that you are no longer independent?  Well, that definitely applies here.  A budget is your road map to financial success.  If something comes up that you need to adjust in the budget, decide and do it together…not independently.

Have Budget Meetings

Once you’ve set your budget up, it doesn’t stop there.  A budget is fluid.  It changes constantly, because bills change, needs change, income changes, etc.  You can’t set one up and then forget about it.

A budget meeting doesn’t have to be weekly.  It can be bi weekly or even once a month.  You’ll have to decide what works best for you and your family.  It also doesn’t have to last very long.  In my own situation, I always joke to my husband that I have a very small window opportunity to get everything out and on the table for the month.  In our relationship, I’m the nerd.  I could talk about the budget All…Day…Long!  He’s definitely the free-spirit.  Don’t get me wrong.  He wants to know everything that’s going on, but he doesn’t want to know every single detail.  Just the facts, ma’am!  So I try to make it short and sweet.  After about 10 minutes, his eyes begin to glaze over.  That’s when I know my time is up! lol

Create Short Term and Long Term Goals

When your trying to get your partner on the same financial page as you are, it is so important to know why you want to do this.  Without the why, your goal is just a dream.  When you have goals, it’s like the dangling carrot…the prize at the end of the race.  One of your long term goals may be to build wealth and save for retirement.  Well, how do you do this?  By getting out of debt.  That may be a short term goal, but for some, it may be a long term goal.  By having goals, it will enable you to create a plan, together, on how to achieve this and will give you something to aim at. Goals also motivate us and when we have the same goals with our spouses, it gives strength to our marriages.

So, figure out together, what your goals are.  It could be to get out of debt so you can save for a house, save for your children’s college, to build wealth and save for retirement.  The list is endless.  I think you get the idea.  You just have to make it happen.

Stay Positive

This is a big one!  We are human beings and I know that being positive all the time is just not possible.  We all get a little down at times, but when you are working together, it’s much easier to hold one another up.

When I get down, the first thing I try to do is to count my blessings.  There are so many!  Focusing on what’s good in your life can greatly reduce any stress that you may be feeling about your money situation.

Remind yourself that hard times won’t last forever, especially if you have a plan for your situation.  Hello there, Mr. Budget!  If you are alive, well and breathing, you can always change your circumstance.  My dad use to say “You’re not a tree!  If you don’t like something, move or change it!”  You can increase your income, cut your expenses or what ever you need to do…but do SOMETHING!

Staying positive can sometimes be tough, especially when your in a rough time, financially, but staying positive can open up many doors of opportunity and can help you to see things in a better, positive light.

Mistakes to Avoid When Trying To Get Spouse on Same Financial Page

There are several mistakes to avoid when your trying to get someone you love on the same financial page.

Dont Nag

Have you ever heard the old saying, “Those convinced against their will are of the same opinion, still”?  Nagging won’t help your cause.  It just makes the other person resentful and sometimes causes them to dig their heals in deeper in resisting your efforts.  I’m guilty of this on occasion, but I have to say I’m learning to be better about this.

Keeping Secrets

As I said above, honesty is key when dealing with marriage and money.  Keeping secrets doesn’t benefit anyone.  It hurts relationships, sometimes to the point of no return.

Not Talking About Finances

Sticking ones head in the sand about their finances doesn’t make the problems go away.  Ignoring a problem usually makes it worse.  Through listening to callers on Dave’s show, I have heard so many people say that they just didn’t want to talk about finances with their spouses because it was such a volatile subject, so they just ignored what was happening, until one day, reality bit them in the butt.  Most of them didn’t realize things were as bad as they were until it was almost too late.  Eventually, the dam breaks.  In this case, ignorance isn’t bliss.  Face your problems, sooner rather than later.

One Person Controlling Everything

I’ll say it again…marriage is a joint venture.  It takes two.  Don’t let something as important and your money and your future be controlled by one single person. It’s ok for one person to handle paying the bills.  That’s my job in our relationship, because I’m good at it.  But, my husband has access to everything.  He has a say in how everything is spent and saved.

Finally…

There are so many reason to work together when it comes to finances.  It reduces stress and tension.  It allows your family to build wealth quicker, especially if you both have common goals.  If you have children, it’s much better for them to see their parents working together, sharing common goals and getting ahead financially.  Rachel Cruze likes to say, with regards to children, that “more is caught than taught”.  Children are like sponges.  They soak up whatever is going on around them.  Teach them early on how to handle money well and you will hopefully set them up for success when they are older.

When a couple can agree on money, it strengthens their marriage, plain and simple.  If you need help, ask for it, whether it’s financial counseling or pastoral counseling.  Once you jump this hurdle, you’ll both be on your way to living a happy and successful marriage.

Have you been successful in getting your partner on the same financial page as you?  I’d be interested in hearing from you.  Also, be sure to subscribe to Love To Frugal for money saving tips, frugal recipes and more!